Dear Taylor,
Since you are in the jungle now, I think it is appropriate to reprint a bit of sage wisdom offered six years ago to your eldest brother in a time of deep stress and trial. Without further adieu, I give you:
The Epic of La Cucaracha!
I will have you know that your Dad was one of the gokiburi (cockroach) killing champions of the mission! Listen closely my son and you will be edified ...
If you have those little 1/2 inch roaches then I can't help you. I never wasted my time on small game. If on the other hand you have those big suckers that grow as big as 2 or 3 inches and can fly then I am your man.
First, don't waste your time using brooms and such. All you will manage to kill is the light bulb in the center of the kitchen or perhaps your companion (I speak truth from experience). Besides, that weapon is far too crude. You need the ability to make surgical strikes that take out only Officer Bugs and avoid any unnecessary collateral damage (women and children). Here's what you do ...
Your best weapon is a necktie. I have been told that $80 ties work the best but since I never had any of those, I used the garden variety D.I. tie preferably in a shade of brown with splashes of yellow so the stains won't show. The trick is to flick the roaches off the walls or counter or even the floor, thus killing them instantly so you don't have to listen to their pitiful begging! You know of course that at the first sign of a light being switched on, the little buggers run like the cowards they are. So, you will have to be ready before you turn on the light. Naturally you flick them with the small end of the tie. If you have to use the big end, you are probably dealing with rats and you need another expert! You will find that, depending on the size of the battle field (kitchen, usually) you can have as many as 3 or 4 Elders flicking and whipping their ties at the same time without having to go to the doctor very often. CAUTION: The bullwhip effect of a skillfully executed tie flick will usually terminate your prey where he stands, however, occasionally the whip of the end of the tie will lift them off the wall and hurl them straight back at you with fangs bared so be ready to duck and don't forget to watch your back!!! Another note of interest, although this method of battle is by far the most satisfactory, your tie will soon become frayed from battle so choose one you don't mind messing up.
Now, I know in time you and your companions will be seasoned masters of battle but I thought as a side note I would mention; there are easier ways (not near as fun, but easier). Don't use spray-can roach killer juice except as a blowtorch (Ah, you thought of that already did you? I commend you for your Ingenuity by the way, a true stoke of genius, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree I always say, yup, a chip off the ole block ... uh, sorry I got side-tracked). As I was saying, the ol' spray-can blow torch can be almost as satisfying as wrapping the end of your tie around a 2 1/2 inch Field General and hurling him across the room to be crushed by the wall on the opposite side. Torches unfortunately have a habit of burning down your apartment building and causing lots of heartburn for your mission president. They are good in a pinch and especially effective for dogs with bladder-control problems, yeah, they work good for those! The point here is, there is only one chemical that will kill roaches and it doesn't come in a can. I trust you with this "secret of the ancients" only because you are flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood. Be careful not to cast this pearl before swine! This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds . . . .
Go to the drug store and buy some Boric Acid (Acido Borico). A weak solution of boric acid is a common remedy for eye irritation (you know before they came out with Visine). It comes as a white powder or salt-like granules, the powder works best. Sprinkle this powder, full strength, along the baseboards where the cowardly roaches slip under your cabinets. The powder gets on their legs and they lick it off, then for some reason their guts set up like concrete and they perish. Mwaaaa, Ha, Ha, Haaaaa !!! The cool thing about this stuff is that one dead bug can kill many others due to their barbarian habit of devouring their dead comrades. Gross but effective!
This will do for now, milk before meat I always say. Let me know how it goes. Just to wet your appetite, or perhaps incite experimentation on your part, consider the fact that boiling water kills roaches on contact! Oh, but also please consider that boiling water spilled in the lap of your companion can be hazardous to your relationship!
Until next time, I remain your fellow servant and veteran of countless forays into the battlefield.
SLY, (Sure Love Ya)
Dad the Great! Killer of the Gokiburi, la Cucaracha, the Cock Roach! I fear NO Bug !!!
